Patrick Kong’s Natural Born Lovers was released in 2012. Not even Annie Liu in a nurse’s uniform could entice me to watch it in the cinema. But I bought the DVD to do a review.
So now I know I was right not to watch it.
Julian Cheung plays Tayler (e not o), a former child star who now runs a cake shop. We’re told he’s a child star, then it’s abandoned as a plot point.
What a script.
Annie Liu is Bobo, a nurse whose emotional attachments make Velcro weep with jealous inferiority.
Boy meets girl, girl gets possessive, boy gets drunk, they break up.
But it’s a Patrick Kong movie. It can’t be that simple.
Or that well-done.
To be fair, I actually really enjoyed the first 30 mins of Natural Born Lovers. But it’s a Patrick Kong movie.
So I knew it would sh*t the bed, I just didn’t know when.
I didn’t have to wait long… only about 5 minutes. Well, like I always say (or at least said this once). ‘Do unto directors as they do unto you.’ Yeah… That’s a scatological reference. A sh*t gag, if you will.
But that’s not only fair, it’s apropos. Because at 35 minutes, we get a sh*t joke. I don’t mean a bad joke, I mean a joke involving sh*t.
That’s the initial bonding moment between these two loathsome characters.
Bobo tricks Tayler into helping her get her boyfriend (and his wife) to eat sh*t. Does Tayler run screaming from this criminally miscreant freak? Of course not.
It’s a Patrick Kong movie, after all.
He runs toward her.
Yeah. When I meet a girl who gives her ex-boyfriend a cake with sh*t in it… that she fooled me into helping make… Oh yeah, I wanna hit that. Crazy in the head…crazy in the bed.
From what I’ve read.
What he gets is a psycho, whiny nutjob who switches between Cantonese and Mandarin for no discernible reason. But that kind of ill logic is par for the course for the man who brought us The Best Plan is No Plan, a film named after his directing manifesto.
I can sum up Natural Born Lovers in four words: Same sh*t different movie. Tedious, belabored flashbacks, typical and pedestrian twists, and an approach to logic and narrative that even a koala bear would find lazy. Blurred vision doesn’t mean love. It means diabetes. Or an aneurysm.
Trust me, I know this.
This script is quite literally developmentally disabled. Because it does not develop, and the responsibility for that lies with the writer and director. Scenes or plot devices are set up, and how are they resolved? They just get resolved.
By the cheapest, most asinine means.
I can picture Patrick Kong saying “Oh, I’ll just make some stupid sh*t up.” Then for the next setup, he just makes up more stupid shit.
If Patrick Kong expended any energy on this story, I’d be shocked.
The ‘Memory Cake,’ that lets you remember why you love a person (or some sh*t). How does it do it?
You sad little peon, you only paid for a ticket to watch this movie. How on earth do you have the temerity to think that entitles you to an explanation of the film’s major plot device?
Really? Hey Patrick; k*ss my shit whistle.
Patrick Kong is a popular director with Hong Kong’s young people.
That’s a hell of a segue, ain’t it?
I don’t understand why young people love him so much, since he insults their intelligence damn near every time he makes a movie.
To be fair, I don’t have any problem with Julian Cheung or Annie Liu’s performances. They’re both watchable enough, and I would hate for anyone to think I blame either of them for the mess that is Natural Born Lovers.
I should also say that there’s one scene that was filmed in the lobby of the Dynasty. But don’t get excited.
If you think I’m doing a review bonus for this piece of sh*t, you’re out of your frigging mind.
At least the annoying women who work in the cake shop weren’t a girl group. I’d have definitely gotten blurry vision.
And not from the cakes.